Many couples use dirty talk to spice up sex. Talking dirty is an acquired art, like dancing or writing poetry. It seems intimidating, but anyone can learn how to do it. 

Here are some great tips to steer you in the right path.

Watch what you say (in other words, try to stay on the safe side until you know your partner can handle it). Tone the level of profanity until you know your partner is comfortable with it. There’s a fine line between seductive and sleazy. Try to use good judgments when revealing your intimate thought.

Start by using descriptive and positive talk. Compliment a particular part of your lover’s body that you find irresistible. “You have an awesome butt. It’s so nice and round. Just the way I like it.”, “You’re legs are super sexy. Come here and let me touch you.”, “I love the taste of your (name part or fluid)!.”

Be sincere. The trick is to pull off dirty talk without sounding cheesy. Look your partner in the eyes. Hold their hand. Say it like you mean it. You should only go as far as you feel comfortable. It shouldn’t seem rehearsed. When your partner does something that makes you feel phenomenal tell them. “Oh baby, that feels soooo Good!”, “You’re getting me so horny (hard).”, “That move drives me craazzy!”, “I want you so bad!”

Use dirty talk to coach or cheer your partner on. If you want your partner to buck or thrust harder, demand it! “Harder! Harder! Do me harder!”, “Faster, faster! Quick baby, I need it!” Additionally, if you’re enjoying the way your partner is touching a particular area, cheer them on by say, “Oh yeah, do it right there! Honey, that’s your spot!” or “Nobody can do that like you!”

Practice, practice, practice. Although you don’t want dirty pillow talk to sound rehearse or routine. Instead, practice being comfortable talking about your fantasy with your partner. Tell your partner what you want him/her to do to you. And encourage them you reveal their fantasies.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that men love to play golf. Personally, I’ve never really understood the entire draw towards the game. Though I do enjoy miniature golf I cannot fathom walking for three hours chasing a ball. So I thought to myself, instead of three hours of golf, what about three hours of sex? Now that is a great idea!!!Well what you need for this game is a small putting green (your carpet) a cup for the hole (you can pick up at any big box department store or any golf store), his putter, and a couple of golf balls. Now what you must do is decide on nine things that he or even you may want to do for sexual favors. Some things can include:

Select nine things and place them in an envelope and label them Hole 1 to Hole 9. Hidden within these nine envelopes will be nine different desires to make his or your dreams come true.Now you must create nine different holes within the house. You have control over where you want to put the ball or what obstacles you want to put in the way. Yes it is miniature golf, but in your house.

What is left to do is set up the golf green and place two putting lines. You can use some masking tape and set up 9 lines at each of the different holes. Also place one line one foot in front of the other line so you get the advantage of putting from closer. Of course we want to give you the upper advantage.

As he walks in that evening the two of you will be putting for sex. Explain to him the game and once you start, feel free to distract him in any way possible. You can take off a piece of his or your clothing, blindfold him with your bra, or even giving him oral sex. By the time he gets to the final hole the two of you will be naked which is perfect for him. Want to change the game a little bit? Try selecting 9 different positions instead of foreplay scenes. Now set up the 9 holes. If he gets a hole in one, he gets the envelope, if he doesn’t, he gets nothing. But be easy on him and make it simple, you want to have fun too. Be sure to show him what the position is before he putts so he will be eager to get the hole in one.

Many people who are sexually frustrated often times consider ending their relationships. If you really love your husband or wife, you should not leave solely based on your sexual frustrations. Try to spice things up in the bedroom by doing a little experimenting. This has proven to be successful for many couples.

As wonderful as it is to hear that experimenting in the bedroom can help improve your sex life, there are always a few things you have to take into consideration before you start experimenting in the bedroom. Let’s look at a few of the pros and cons.

One of the pros to experimenting in bed is that you break the boredom. Change is a good thing. Change is important for the survival of many relationships. If you sex as a chore then you need to make some changes immediately.

Another pro to experimenting in bed is the improvement your sex life will experience. As I said before, change will do most relationships a lot of good. Experimenting in the bedroom can bring back the fire so to speak. It would be just like the first time you and your husband or wife made love. Hopefully that was a great experience.

The big pool of options you have when you experimenting in bed are another reason why experimenting in bed is a good idea. Unfortunately, when many men and women think of experimenting they go to the extreme and think it has to involve something like bringing another person into the bedroom. That is in no way what I mean when I say experiment in the bedroom.

I personally feel that bringing another person into your bedroom is very disrespectful. But if it works for you then hey, go for it. When I say experiment I mean trying new positions, role playing and things of that nature.

Now that I have listed a few of the good things about experimenting in the bedroom allow me to open your eyes to a few of the not so good things. One downside is that simply fact that you have to talk to your partner about this. Depending on how open and mature your relationship is this could be a very hard thing to do.

Your partner may automatically thing that they are unable to please you. Your partner might also feel very offended. So be very gentle in your approach.

Another downside is that your partner may resist your desire for change. They may not want to change anything. They may think your sex life is just fine. It is very important to get your point across please do not come across as being pushy. Your partner may just need a little time to adjust so give it to them. Sooner or later they just might come around.

Remember there is a lot of good that can come from experimenting but there is also a lot bad that could come from it as well. Talk to you your partner. Remember that the both of you need to keep an open mind. That’s the only way it can work.

by BillionDollarGirl, Jul 28, 2008

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The heat is on. You can literally feel it arcing between you. Whether it’s an enticing stranger you’ve just met or a special someone you’ve been slowly getting to know, you’re aware that now is the time to take your connection to the physical level. You can sense that she’s about ready to hop into bed and you damn well know that you are. So how do you make this first time with someone new a glorious moment you’ll both fondly remember rather than a nightmare you’d just as soon forget?

The first thing to zero in on is attitude. What exactly is it you want from this coming sexual encounter — a lusty one night romp or the beginning of a longstanding passionate relationship?

There certainly is nothing wrong with a one-night stand. There is something extremely exciting about sex with a stranger, with absolutely no strings attached. Many women feel this way, not only men. What we all have to be careful about is simply using the other person, treating them as an object only for our satisfaction.

No one likes being treated as an object. No one likes being used for someone else’s purpose. Men typically use women as sex objects. But just as often women treat men as success objects. What does it mean to treat a person as an object? It means you use that person to get what you want without particular regard to what happens to them or how they feel. At one extreme you would not even care if you actually cause harm. More frequently harm is not intended, but the well being of the person you are using is of little or no concern to you. What is of concern to you is to get what you want, which in this case is sex.

When you want sex and you do anything necessary to get it you are using the woman as a sex object. You may lie and otherwise be deceitful about what is really going on. You may pretend to care or be interested in her, but all you really want is to get laid. After you get what you want, you disappear and she never hears from you again. You don’t call. You may not even say hello on the street. You may feel contempt or disgust toward her for having had sex with you. But this is really a disguised form of self-contempt and self-hatred projected onto women. It is very unhealthy and in the long run will leave you alone, lonely, bitter and cynical. This is hardly a prescription for happiness.

Quick sex between consenting adults is not about using each other as an object, assuming both of you understand what is happening, and no deceit is involved. We call this scenario “no-strings sex.” With no-strings sex, both parties understand that it is not intended that you will ever see each other again. You do not exchange addresses or phones or personal histories. This situation ranks high on the list of most common fantasy for both men and women. The sex may be extremely hot and passionate. Both lovers may feel an extraordinary freedom and be willing to let go completely, dropping their usual sexual shyness and restraint. Often they will experiment with and allow themselves to enjoy what they would only dream of doing, but never allow themselves to do with someone they knew or were in an ongoing relationship with. They may experiment with things they did not even dream were possible.

There are only two rules for no-strings sex. They are very simple rules. Rule #1: Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. By “mutual consent” we mean that all aspects of your lovemaking are agreed to by both. You meet together on the sexual playing field as equals. No one gets physically hurt. When your partner says “I don’t want to do that” or “stop, that hurts” you must stop instantly. This is where “no” always means no. Rule #2: Don’t try to find her later!

The other type of first time encounter is with someone with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship. We will call this scenario “relationship sex.” With relationship sex, it is understood by both of you that there may be an ongoing relationship after the sex. In fact, it would be quite normal for relationship sex to take place after you have been seeing each other for some time. In this scenario sex is not the start of the relationship, but a deepening of it. It is also quite common for a relationship to start with a sexual encounter. If the sex rocks the earth, or even if it is just pretty good, you may want to go further into relationship to see if you can connect on other important levels and make something work together in the longer run. This could evolve into living together or even marriage.

The Rules

The first rule for no-strings sex also applies to relationship sex. 1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. In addition to this rule there are a few others to keep in mind. 2. Great respect is mandatory. 3. Great caring is mandatory. 4. Open, honest communication is mandatory. 5. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired.

The Rules

1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. If you do not both enjoy it, what is the point? Remember, we are not using each other, we are loving each other. It is certainly all right for one partner to try things because the other person likes it even if they don’t, but this is a gift freely given and cannot be required.

2. Great respect is mandatory. Respect implies that you are aware of what the other person wants. You are willing to discover what they are capable of and what their sexual limits are. Your lover may have been injured psychologically or emotionally from past relationships. In fact this will almost certainly be the case, almost everyone has had their heart broken at least once. At the extreme, they may have experienced sexual abuse as a child. They may feel insecure about their sexuality. They may suffer from low self-esteem as a lover. They may be quite inexperienced in sexual technique. You must be extremely patient and ever so sensitive to the messages they send out about how fast to proceed, what to do and not do. Talk openly to establish the boundaries of your sexuality. Then experiment to push back the boundaries at a pace you can both find comfortable and safe.

3. Great caring is mandatory. Love is always given and received as a gift. It has been said that there is no such thing as bad sex, that sex without love can still be great sex, but sex with caring adds a warmth that connects two hearts and souls together. This is sex beyond technique. Sex with caring leaves the lovers filled. Sex with love leaves the lovers overflowing. It is caring that moves sex beyond the physical to allow for the creation of a deeper spiritual connection. Most men want an emotional connection and most would welcome a more spiritual experience of sex, but they are afraid and they just haven’t learned how to do it yet. Most women quite frankly, require the emotional connection as the price of entry.

4. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired. With mutual consent anything goes. But it is usually best to start out with more gentleness and progress to more roughness only as you learn that she wants it and likes it. Many women like a playful roughness as long as they feels truly safe. But if you have not established a high degree of trust with her, roughness prematurely can end what could have been an excellent long-term sexually passionate relationship.

5. Open, honest communication is mandatory. Talk about sex. Tell each other what you like and dislike. A good way to do this is to always offer choices A and B and ask which she likes best. This avoids the damage to fragile egos that young men are so prone to when they are learning about a new lover. If a man hears, “I don’t like that” it is very easy for him to have his feelings hurt and this may cause him to withdraw, or get angry, or react in some dysfunctional way. But if you give your women, for example, the choice between fondling her breasts this way, or this way, and ask which is best, you will not have your feelings hurt, and you will quickly learn what she really likes. This is how a lover becomes a great lover.

Techniques & Sources

If you need to have your imagination stimulated to know what to try, read any of several great lover’s manuals available in good bookstores everywhere. Then use the A-or-B technique to find out about your woman specifically. Here are a few titles to look for. You can order these from our web site if you can’t find them in your local bookstore.

The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers by Margo Anand

How to Make Love All Night (And Drive a Woman Wild: Male Multiple Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking) by Barbary Keesling

The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld

How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation by Helen Singer Kaplan

Once you’ve honestly considered your attitude you can move into the physical aspects of loving: like the setting, foreplay, afterplay and all the juicy bits in between. In the East there is a long tradition of the warrior lover — a man who has prepared himself physically, emotionally and mentally for the great and glorious battle between the sheets. This is not for dominating or defeating your lover but for skillfully bringing out the best in both of you so you can rise to new heights in your sexuality.

The idea of creating the right ambience for lovemaking may seem artificial or calculated, but there is an art to great loving and why not bring out the artist in yourself? A secluded place, candlelight, music, wine, food and clean sheets may sound like a trite scene from an old James Bond movie but they still hold true. Women love to be adored and creating a special place for loving shows that you care about what they want too.

It has become common knowledge that foreplay is very important in bringing a woman to sexual satisfaction. She takes longer to become aroused to the point where she can match you in intensity of desire. But what is also essential is afterplay. When you’ve come to a happy climax don’t just roll over and go to sleep or get up and go home. Even though your hormones may be telling you you’re finished, your lover won’t be. Take the time and make the effort to show your appreciation and caring through some tender cuddling and soft words or by sharing some food and conversation. You’ll benefit too from staying in love’s sweet afterglow.

Finally, it shouldn’t have to be said but it still does, always, always practice safe sex. Use condoms and dental dams until you are certain you’re in a completely monogamous relationship and you’ve both had AIDS tests. Remember good first time sex with someone means no one gets hurt, during loving or afterwards.

Published in Urban Male Magazine (UMM), Fall 1999