My phone rings. It is my friend Becca. We catch up on what’s been happening in our lives as I am going through my mail. “Oh great!” I say as I sigh in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

“I have to go to another wedding! This time it’s my cousin in California! It’s in 3 weeks.”

“Poor baby!” (laughing)

“Don’t laugh, I have been to 3 of these things already in the last year and a half!”

“Well, it’s Cali, how tough can it be to go hang out with all of those hot surfer guys?”

“Yeah, your right… but I don’t know if I can take the time off work. We’re pretty busy!”

“I’m your Boss silly! Go, have a good time and I’ll cover everything.”

“Well, okay, if you’re sure. I know my Mom and my Aunt will be happy!”

Three weeks fly by and before I know it, I’m packed and on the plane to California. I stow my luggage and look at the guy in the seat next to me. I decide that this won’t be that bad after all. He is gorgeous! He has blond hair, green eyes with flakes of gold around the edges. He is very tan! He had on a t-shirt that accentuated his muscles. He had on relaxed faded jeans and was flipping through the latest issue of Maxim magazine. I sat down and said, “Hi.” He replied “Hey” and smiled. After I get settled, he asks, “Business or pleasure?”

I look at him quizzically.

“California… Business trip or pleasure?”

“Oh, I’m going to a wedding. My cousin is getting married.”

Smiling sheepishly, he says, “family weddings, that’s always a good time!” laughing

“I know, aren’t they?” I say sarcastically with a laugh. “What about you? With that tan, I’m guessing California is home?”

“Yeah, I live in L.A. I was just out here on business.”

Soon, after take off, the stewardess comes around with drinks and He orders a beer and I order a glass of wine. He clinks his beer against my glass and says, “Cheers, to our journey across the US.” I laugh and drink to our little toast. He says his name is Rob and I tell him that my name is Lynn. We settle back against the seats and We make small talk, filling each other in on jobs, family etc. Soon we are having a great time comparing same intrests in movies and tv and music. We are both really relaxed with each other and find it easy to talk to each other and laugh together. After a 6 hour flight, we are well acquainted. As we are departing the plane, I take out my cell phone so I can find out if my ride is coming. He suddenly grabs my phone out of my hand and starts entering a number into it. I ask what he’s doing and he says, “Tomorrow, when you are at this wedding, and you get so bored that you want to throw yourself out the window, call me and I will rescue you.”

I smile at him as we leave the luggage area. He tells me not to forget about him tomorrow in the midst of all the fun I’m having. I laugh at him and we part ways. I check into my hotel and then meet up with my family for the wedding rehearsal and the dinner afterwords. I get my assignments and then I make my excuses of being jet lagged and go back to the hotel. Once there, I am restless. I can’t stop thinking about Rob and how easy he was to talk to. I wonder what he is doing tonight and look at the clock. It’s only 9:30, shouldn’t be too late to call. I dial the number he entered into my phone and wait with held breath as I hear his answer tone. I laugh when it is AC/DC singing “you shook me all night long!” Rob answers on the third verse and I say, “Hey, it’s Lynn.” He laughs and says, “you couldn’t make it 24 hrs could you?”

“No, I had to get out of there. What are you doing tonight?”

“A buddy of mine is throwing a party and I thought I’d go and check it out. Do you want to come with me?”

“Yeah, I would. I’ll need to get a taxi, where is it?”

“I’ll come get you, your hotel is on the way.”

I freshen up and soon my phone rings. It’s Rob and he is down in the lobby waiting for me. I take the elevator down and when the doors open, There he is. He is smiling an easy smile when he sees me. I notice how nice his smile is. We walk out to curb where his car awaits. It is a small red sporty convertible. He opens my door for me as I get in. The radio is set to a rock station and as we roll through the streets of downtown L.A. we talk about the music and the conversation turns to the people who will be at the party. Rob tells me that it is a party being thrown by one of his good friends that he works with. He hangs out with a group of guys, but his best friend is his room mate Todd. Todd won’t be at the party. He has to go to a dinner with his girlfriend’s parents.

Soon, we pull up to Rob’s friend Mike’s house where the party is. There are several cars parked along the street and it looks like every light in the house is on. The front door is open and music is blaring. I see and half naked girl run past the window being chased by an equally undressed man who is holding a champagne bottle.

“This should be interesting.” I say as I get out of the car.

Rob comes around to my side of the car and holds out his hand to me, palm up. “Shall we?” he asks.

I take his hand and we go into the house. There are people in the living room on the couch. There are people standing around the fireplace, talking. There are several people in the kitchen getting beer and grabbing some food that has been set up on the center Island. Out back there are even more people standing around talking and some girls sitting on the lawn chairs drinking wine. The couple we saw earlier running through house were now out back. She was teasing him by taking off her bra and swinging it over her head while she ran, covering her chest with her arm. We make the rounds and Rob introduces me to the Host, his friend Mike. I like him right away. He seems like an easy going guy just like Rob and I can see why they hang out together.

Rob and I get our beers and find a place to sit in the living room. We chat and mingle with other people there. I look at Rob and he is staring at me. I’m wondering what he is seeing as he leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. I lick my lips and lean forward for more. He pulls me towards him as the kisses get deeper and are lit with passion.

He asks me if I feel comfortable coming back to his house. I feel like I have really gotten to know him over the course of the day and I nod “yes.” When he stands and pulls me by the hand towards the door, I ask him if he is going to say goodbye to Mike. He only shakes his head and mumbles something about calling him tomorrow.

When we get back to Rob’s house, we enter the little house and make our way into the kitchen. Rob asks me if I want anything to drink. I tell him that a beer is fine. He hands me the bottle and gets one for himself. We settle into the couch and soon we are kissing again. I gently take his tongue in my mouth and suck on the tip of it like a little penis. This sends him really close the edge, and he tells me he wants me. I am so aroused, that I only say, “take me” and lunge back to his mouth. I am being picked up and carried to one of the bedrooms as I am kissing him. I am carried over to his bed and laid down gently. As he steps away from the side of the bed, he pulls his shirt off over his head. I am amazed at how rock hard his abs are! As he steps out of his jeans, I am faced with a beautiful hardened cock aimed right at me. I reach out and take hold of him and tug him towards me. I sit up on my knees on the bed and secure my mouth onto the head of his penis. I lick the slit and taste his precum and know how excited he is! I take the shaft of his penis and run my lips along the sides of it, wetting it with my tongue. I grasp his ball sack in my hand and gently pull downward as I continue licking and sucking his fully engorged cock. I reach back with my hand and start pleasuring myself with my hand. I am so aroused all I want is to filled with this magnificent cock! I move back on the bed and he climbs up onto the bed, lying on his back. I straddle him and ease myself down over his rod that is sticking straight up and looking ready to explode. I reach the bottom of his shaft and just sit still for a moment. I squeeze my muscles tight in my pussy as I raise up. Each time I lower myself, I relax my muscles, then tighten as I raise up. This drives Rob crazy! He grabs my hips and moves me at his pace. I reach up and grasp my breasts and rub and squeeze my nipples as I throw my head back in ecstasy.

I hear a noise behind me. I stop suddenly and look at Rob. “What was that?” I ask nervously. “I thought we were alone.

“I did too.” Rob says.

His closet door opens slightly and for a horrified moment, I see someones face looking at me. My mind cannot comprehend what is happening. I am frozen. Rob tells me that it is his friend Todd. I cover my breasts. searching Rob’s face. He looks at me and says, “I don’t know what he’s doing in my closet, really!” I turn to look at Todd. He steps out of the closet. He has dark hair and dark eyes. He has on a t-shirt and his jeans are undone at the fly. He is holding his cock in his hand and stroking it. “What are you doing here?” Rob asks him. When Todd answers him, I can hear a faint accent. It sounds like it could be maybe French, Definitely European. “Wendy got sick, so we didn’t go to her parents after all.” Rob asks, “My closet dude?” Todd replies, “I was looking for my jacket you borrowed last week. When I heard you coming in here, I ducked into the closet.” He was still stroking himself when said this. I look down at his manhood and my eyes get huge in excitement! I am gazing at another beautiful cock! I have two gorgeous men with me. I smile at him and he takes it as an invitation to stay.

He kicks off his jeans and sits on the bed next to us. I get over my shyness and relax. I resume my up and down motion on Rob and reach out and start stroking Todd at the same time. I get off of Rob and get on my hands and knees in front of Todd’s fully erect penis. I take it into my mouth and begin licking and sucking him. I feel Rob come up behind me and ease his shaft easily back into my cunt. I realize that I am fulfilling one of my long time fantasies about pleasuring and being pleasured by two men at the same time. This fuels my passion as I use my mouth more vigorously and move my hips faster and squeeze my pussy muscles more. After a while, I am bucking with orgasm and this makes my mouth and my pussy tighten on both penises. I can feel both men jerk like they are about to cum. I disengage from both and sit in the middle of them on the bed.. I take hold of both cocks and stroke them with each of my hands. Soon I feel the hot spray of  jism hitting my breasts as they come in unison. I continue to stroke them, trying to catch some in my mouth. I begin with Rob, I take his still trembling cock in my mouth and gently suck and lick until I have every drop of cum drained from him. I then turn my head and treat Todd to the same cleaning.

I take myself to the bathroom to get cleaned up and when I come back into the room, the guys are lying back on the pillows looking very relaxed. I crawl up in between them and we start kissing, one after the other. Todd is stroking my breasts and Rob is making small circles with his fingertips on my stomach and hips. I lie back against the pillows. Soon, I have Todd to my right and Rob to my left. They each start licking my neck in small circles. I fell them making their path south and now I am feeling two mouths on my breasts sucking and nibbling my fully erect nipples. I feel both sets of lips being dragged over my rib cage and then my stomach. I know where this is headed, and I am squirming from the waist down. I can’t wait for someone to reach my throbbing pussy. Rob reaches my mound first. He gently licks my swollen lips. I feel his warm breath over the top of my labia. I feel a finger being inserted in my slit. I feel someones tongue on my very exposed clit. I am not sure whose mouth it belongs to , I am lost in Nirvana as I feel a tongue darting in and out on my clit. I feel another tongue gliding in and across my dripping wet cunt. I feel two tongues on my clit fighting for the prime spot. It is the single most erotic thing I have ever felt. My legs are being spread apart further and Rob is rubbing his finger along the outside of my anus. I squirm at the feeling. I am excited and nervous. Todd keeps working on my clit and Rob lubricated his finger with my wetness. I feel him insert his finger in my ass. I feel a little pain as he is pushing in further. Once I get used to the feeling, he inserts another finger and thrusts them in and out. I am really enjoying it! When he feels I am ready, Rob tells Todd to lie back on the bed. He then tells me to get on top of him. I do as I am told. I begin riding his pole and Rob gets into position behind me. I lean forward and help him by reaching back and holding my cheeks apart. I soon feel the head of his cock on my back door. He rubs it around and then begins feeding it into me slowly. When he is fully inserted, I just sit there for a moment and adjust to having both holes filled with such huge cocks.

I begin to move up and down now, It feels so good! Rob begins moving his cock in and out of me and Todd moves his hips up and down. I can feel the two cocks rubbing against each other through the thin skin that separates my vagina and rectum. I am writhing against both men. Todd reaches out with his thumb and rubs my clit. With every sensitive area of my lower body being stimulated at once, I have the most intense orgasm I have ever felt! I am bucking with wave after wave of pleasure. As I cry out that I am coming, Rob says, “So am I!” Todd can only whimper, his face scrunched tight with being on the verge. I can feel hot streams of cum filling me up in both holes. We all three are covered in sweat and out of breath. After our bodies have calmed down, Rob slowly pulls out of me and lies on the bed. I roll off of Todd and lie on my back between them. We three are completely spent.

I wake up the next morning cuddled up to Rob. Todd is not in the room. I look at the clock and groan. I have to get to the church for pictures and my dress is back at my hotel. I wake Rob and ask him if he will take me to get my things. He gets up and we get dressed and he drives me back to the Hotel. As we pull up, he kisses me deeply. He tells me that If he knew they had grown girls like me in the mid west, he would have traveled there sooner! I ask him if he wants to come to the wedding reception. He smiles sheepishly again and I melt at his smile. He says, “Darlin, you couldn’t drag me to that thing, but when you can’t stand it another minute, you have my number.” I stand there watching him drive away thinking about what had happened the night before. I smile as I enter the Hotel to get ready for the dreadful day ahead.

The most common complaint from men regarding sex is frequency, and the most common complaint from woman is lack of emotional intimacy.

There is a very good reason why these are the most common complaints – men and women are very different when it comes to sex!

The biological sexual drive, or lack of it, relates to how much testosterone is present. Men biologically have much more testosterone than women. Men’s biology equips them to be ready for sex most of the time, which is nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species. Women, on the other hand, often do not experience a biological sexual drive unless they are in the middle of their menstrual cycle. This fact can create a big problem in relationships.

I’ve often heard men complain that:

“It’s not fair. My wife is in control of our sex life. If she wants it, then we have it. If she doesn’t, then I have no say about it. Why does it always have to be her way?”

“My wife complains that she needs to feel intimate before we make love, but I get to intimacy through making love.”

“I don’t reach out for sex much anymore because I’m tired of being rejected, but my wife says she wants to be pursued in a romantic way. This feels like a no-win to me.”

“I think if my wife really cared about me and my needs, she would have sex with me even when she wasn’t turned on.”

I’ve often heard women complain that:

“He always seems to be ready for sex, but I don’t feel turned on unless we are feeling close. I can’t just watch TV all evening and then feel like making love.”

“I often feel pulled on for sex, as if having sex is more important than caring about me. When I do what he wants, I feel used, and when I don’t, I run into his anger, resentment, blame or withdrawal. It feels like a no-win.”

“My husband often comes to me like a needy little boy, wanting me to pacify him or validate him with sex. Ugh! There is nothing erotic about an insecure, needy little boy!”

“There must be something wrong with me. I just don’t ever feel turned on anymore.”

The very real issue here, at least for most men under 40, is that they are biologically motivated and women are mostly emotionally motivated. Heterosexual women get turned on when their man is warm, open, caring, and personally powerful. Most women are not turned on by a man who is closed, distant, angry, blaming, or needy.

The problems of frequency can get resolved as men and women learn to understand and accept each other’s differences. Men need to understand and accept that women are not as biologically motivated as men are. Many women rarely even think about sex, while most men will tell you that they think about sex frequently throughout the day. When men understand that women are turned on by love, romance, emotional intimacy, warmth, caring, and personal power, then men may be motivated to learn to be the loving, powerful and romantic partners that women want and need.

When women can accept that men’s biology is very present for them, they can stop putting men down for it and start supporting their men in creating more emotional intimacy, romance, and personal power. When women criticize men instead of understanding and accepting them, they help to create some of the insecurity that is such a turn off to many women. When a woman can appreciate rather than demean her man for his sexuality, she can find ways of meeting his needs without feeling used.

Understanding and accepting each other’s differences and needs can lead both men and women toward more satisfying sex lives.

Sex toys bring new energy to your sex life. You should be excited about sex and we support you in every way to discovering all your sexual desires. Eroticnights4u has products that range from Dildos and Cock Rings to Vibrators and Male Sexual Enhancers right onto the one and only rechargeable Jack Rabbit. Used together or with a partner, sex toys help you enjoy your sex life in ways you never have before.

But Sex Toys are only part of the equation. It’s also time to talk dirty. Spice things up ever further by talking dirty to your partner.  One of the biggest hurdles to talking dirty is confusion. You may ask yourself “What does my partner want” or maybe you ask yourself “What do I say?”

Perhaps this might help…….

Many couples use dirty talk to spice up sex. Talking dirty is an acquired art, like dancing or writing poetry. It seems intimidating, but anyone can learn how to do it. 

Here are some great tips to steer you in the right path.

Watch what you say (in other words, try to stay on the safe side until you know your partner can handle it). Tone the level of profanity until you know your partner is comfortable with it. There’s a fine line between seductive and sleazy. Try to use good judgments when revealing your intimate thought.

Start by using descriptive and positive talk. Compliment a particular part of your lover’s body that you find irresistible. “You have an awesome butt. It’s so nice and round. Just the way I like it.”, “You’re legs are super sexy. Come here and let me touch you.”, “I love the taste of your (name part or fluid)!.”

Be sincere. The trick is to pull off dirty talk without sounding cheesy. Look your partner in the eyes. Hold their hand. Say it like you mean it. You should only go as far as you feel comfortable. It shouldn’t seem rehearsed. When your partner does something that makes you feel phenomenal tell them. “Oh baby, that feels soooo Good!”, “You’re getting me so horny (hard).”, “That move drives me craazzy!”, “I want you so bad!”

Use dirty talk to coach or cheer your partner on. If you want your partner to buck or thrust harder, demand it! “Harder! Harder! Do me harder!”, “Faster, faster! Quick baby, I need it!” Additionally, if you’re enjoying the way your partner is touching a particular area, cheer them on by say, “Oh yeah, do it right there! Honey, that’s your spot!” or “Nobody can do that like you!”

Practice, practice, practice. Although you don’t want dirty pillow talk to sound rehearse or routine. Instead, practice being comfortable talking about your fantasy with your partner. Tell your partner what you want him/her to do to you. And encourage them you reveal their fantasies.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that men love to play golf. Personally, I’ve never really understood the entire draw towards the game. Though I do enjoy miniature golf I cannot fathom walking for three hours chasing a ball. So I thought to myself, instead of three hours of golf, what about three hours of sex? Now that is a great idea!!!Well what you need for this game is a small putting green (your carpet) a cup for the hole (you can pick up at any big box department store or any golf store), his putter, and a couple of golf balls. Now what you must do is decide on nine things that he or even you may want to do for sexual favors. Some things can include:

Select nine things and place them in an envelope and label them Hole 1 to Hole 9. Hidden within these nine envelopes will be nine different desires to make his or your dreams come true.Now you must create nine different holes within the house. You have control over where you want to put the ball or what obstacles you want to put in the way. Yes it is miniature golf, but in your house.

What is left to do is set up the golf green and place two putting lines. You can use some masking tape and set up 9 lines at each of the different holes. Also place one line one foot in front of the other line so you get the advantage of putting from closer. Of course we want to give you the upper advantage.

As he walks in that evening the two of you will be putting for sex. Explain to him the game and once you start, feel free to distract him in any way possible. You can take off a piece of his or your clothing, blindfold him with your bra, or even giving him oral sex. By the time he gets to the final hole the two of you will be naked which is perfect for him. Want to change the game a little bit? Try selecting 9 different positions instead of foreplay scenes. Now set up the 9 holes. If he gets a hole in one, he gets the envelope, if he doesn’t, he gets nothing. But be easy on him and make it simple, you want to have fun too. Be sure to show him what the position is before he putts so he will be eager to get the hole in one.

Many people who are sexually frustrated often times consider ending their relationships. If you really love your husband or wife, you should not leave solely based on your sexual frustrations. Try to spice things up in the bedroom by doing a little experimenting. This has proven to be successful for many couples.

As wonderful as it is to hear that experimenting in the bedroom can help improve your sex life, there are always a few things you have to take into consideration before you start experimenting in the bedroom. Let’s look at a few of the pros and cons.

One of the pros to experimenting in bed is that you break the boredom. Change is a good thing. Change is important for the survival of many relationships. If you sex as a chore then you need to make some changes immediately.

Another pro to experimenting in bed is the improvement your sex life will experience. As I said before, change will do most relationships a lot of good. Experimenting in the bedroom can bring back the fire so to speak. It would be just like the first time you and your husband or wife made love. Hopefully that was a great experience.

The big pool of options you have when you experimenting in bed are another reason why experimenting in bed is a good idea. Unfortunately, when many men and women think of experimenting they go to the extreme and think it has to involve something like bringing another person into the bedroom. That is in no way what I mean when I say experiment in the bedroom.

I personally feel that bringing another person into your bedroom is very disrespectful. But if it works for you then hey, go for it. When I say experiment I mean trying new positions, role playing and things of that nature.

Now that I have listed a few of the good things about experimenting in the bedroom allow me to open your eyes to a few of the not so good things. One downside is that simply fact that you have to talk to your partner about this. Depending on how open and mature your relationship is this could be a very hard thing to do.

Your partner may automatically thing that they are unable to please you. Your partner might also feel very offended. So be very gentle in your approach.

Another downside is that your partner may resist your desire for change. They may not want to change anything. They may think your sex life is just fine. It is very important to get your point across please do not come across as being pushy. Your partner may just need a little time to adjust so give it to them. Sooner or later they just might come around.

Remember there is a lot of good that can come from experimenting but there is also a lot bad that could come from it as well. Talk to you your partner. Remember that the both of you need to keep an open mind. That’s the only way it can work.

by BillionDollarGirl, Jul 28, 2008

Adult toys bring new energy to your sex life. You should be excited about sex and at Eroticnights4u we support you in every way to discovering all your sexual desires.

The heat is on. You can literally feel it arcing between you. Whether it’s an enticing stranger you’ve just met or a special someone you’ve been slowly getting to know, you’re aware that now is the time to take your connection to the physical level. You can sense that she’s about ready to hop into bed and you damn well know that you are. So how do you make this first time with someone new a glorious moment you’ll both fondly remember rather than a nightmare you’d just as soon forget?

The first thing to zero in on is attitude. What exactly is it you want from this coming sexual encounter — a lusty one night romp or the beginning of a longstanding passionate relationship?

There certainly is nothing wrong with a one-night stand. There is something extremely exciting about sex with a stranger, with absolutely no strings attached. Many women feel this way, not only men. What we all have to be careful about is simply using the other person, treating them as an object only for our satisfaction.

No one likes being treated as an object. No one likes being used for someone else’s purpose. Men typically use women as sex objects. But just as often women treat men as success objects. What does it mean to treat a person as an object? It means you use that person to get what you want without particular regard to what happens to them or how they feel. At one extreme you would not even care if you actually cause harm. More frequently harm is not intended, but the well being of the person you are using is of little or no concern to you. What is of concern to you is to get what you want, which in this case is sex.

When you want sex and you do anything necessary to get it you are using the woman as a sex object. You may lie and otherwise be deceitful about what is really going on. You may pretend to care or be interested in her, but all you really want is to get laid. After you get what you want, you disappear and she never hears from you again. You don’t call. You may not even say hello on the street. You may feel contempt or disgust toward her for having had sex with you. But this is really a disguised form of self-contempt and self-hatred projected onto women. It is very unhealthy and in the long run will leave you alone, lonely, bitter and cynical. This is hardly a prescription for happiness.

Quick sex between consenting adults is not about using each other as an object, assuming both of you understand what is happening, and no deceit is involved. We call this scenario “no-strings sex.” With no-strings sex, both parties understand that it is not intended that you will ever see each other again. You do not exchange addresses or phones or personal histories. This situation ranks high on the list of most common fantasy for both men and women. The sex may be extremely hot and passionate. Both lovers may feel an extraordinary freedom and be willing to let go completely, dropping their usual sexual shyness and restraint. Often they will experiment with and allow themselves to enjoy what they would only dream of doing, but never allow themselves to do with someone they knew or were in an ongoing relationship with. They may experiment with things they did not even dream were possible.

There are only two rules for no-strings sex. They are very simple rules. Rule #1: Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. By “mutual consent” we mean that all aspects of your lovemaking are agreed to by both. You meet together on the sexual playing field as equals. No one gets physically hurt. When your partner says “I don’t want to do that” or “stop, that hurts” you must stop instantly. This is where “no” always means no. Rule #2: Don’t try to find her later!

The other type of first time encounter is with someone with whom you intend to have an ongoing relationship. We will call this scenario “relationship sex.” With relationship sex, it is understood by both of you that there may be an ongoing relationship after the sex. In fact, it would be quite normal for relationship sex to take place after you have been seeing each other for some time. In this scenario sex is not the start of the relationship, but a deepening of it. It is also quite common for a relationship to start with a sexual encounter. If the sex rocks the earth, or even if it is just pretty good, you may want to go further into relationship to see if you can connect on other important levels and make something work together in the longer run. This could evolve into living together or even marriage.

The Rules

The first rule for no-strings sex also applies to relationship sex. 1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. In addition to this rule there are a few others to keep in mind. 2. Great respect is mandatory. 3. Great caring is mandatory. 4. Open, honest communication is mandatory. 5. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired.

The Rules

1. Mutual consent for everything is mandatory. If you do not both enjoy it, what is the point? Remember, we are not using each other, we are loving each other. It is certainly all right for one partner to try things because the other person likes it even if they don’t, but this is a gift freely given and cannot be required.

2. Great respect is mandatory. Respect implies that you are aware of what the other person wants. You are willing to discover what they are capable of and what their sexual limits are. Your lover may have been injured psychologically or emotionally from past relationships. In fact this will almost certainly be the case, almost everyone has had their heart broken at least once. At the extreme, they may have experienced sexual abuse as a child. They may feel insecure about their sexuality. They may suffer from low self-esteem as a lover. They may be quite inexperienced in sexual technique. You must be extremely patient and ever so sensitive to the messages they send out about how fast to proceed, what to do and not do. Talk openly to establish the boundaries of your sexuality. Then experiment to push back the boundaries at a pace you can both find comfortable and safe.

3. Great caring is mandatory. Love is always given and received as a gift. It has been said that there is no such thing as bad sex, that sex without love can still be great sex, but sex with caring adds a warmth that connects two hearts and souls together. This is sex beyond technique. Sex with caring leaves the lovers filled. Sex with love leaves the lovers overflowing. It is caring that moves sex beyond the physical to allow for the creation of a deeper spiritual connection. Most men want an emotional connection and most would welcome a more spiritual experience of sex, but they are afraid and they just haven’t learned how to do it yet. Most women quite frankly, require the emotional connection as the price of entry.

4. Gentleness is used as required, and roughness is used as mutually desired. With mutual consent anything goes. But it is usually best to start out with more gentleness and progress to more roughness only as you learn that she wants it and likes it. Many women like a playful roughness as long as they feels truly safe. But if you have not established a high degree of trust with her, roughness prematurely can end what could have been an excellent long-term sexually passionate relationship.

5. Open, honest communication is mandatory. Talk about sex. Tell each other what you like and dislike. A good way to do this is to always offer choices A and B and ask which she likes best. This avoids the damage to fragile egos that young men are so prone to when they are learning about a new lover. If a man hears, “I don’t like that” it is very easy for him to have his feelings hurt and this may cause him to withdraw, or get angry, or react in some dysfunctional way. But if you give your women, for example, the choice between fondling her breasts this way, or this way, and ask which is best, you will not have your feelings hurt, and you will quickly learn what she really likes. This is how a lover becomes a great lover.

Techniques & Sources

If you need to have your imagination stimulated to know what to try, read any of several great lover’s manuals available in good bookstores everywhere. Then use the A-or-B technique to find out about your woman specifically. Here are a few titles to look for. You can order these from our web site if you can’t find them in your local bookstore.

The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers by Margo Anand

How to Make Love All Night (And Drive a Woman Wild: Male Multiple Orgasm and Other Secrets for Prolonged Lovemaking) by Barbary Keesling

The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld

How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation by Helen Singer Kaplan

Once you’ve honestly considered your attitude you can move into the physical aspects of loving: like the setting, foreplay, afterplay and all the juicy bits in between. In the East there is a long tradition of the warrior lover — a man who has prepared himself physically, emotionally and mentally for the great and glorious battle between the sheets. This is not for dominating or defeating your lover but for skillfully bringing out the best in both of you so you can rise to new heights in your sexuality.

The idea of creating the right ambience for lovemaking may seem artificial or calculated, but there is an art to great loving and why not bring out the artist in yourself? A secluded place, candlelight, music, wine, food and clean sheets may sound like a trite scene from an old James Bond movie but they still hold true. Women love to be adored and creating a special place for loving shows that you care about what they want too.

It has become common knowledge that foreplay is very important in bringing a woman to sexual satisfaction. She takes longer to become aroused to the point where she can match you in intensity of desire. But what is also essential is afterplay. When you’ve come to a happy climax don’t just roll over and go to sleep or get up and go home. Even though your hormones may be telling you you’re finished, your lover won’t be. Take the time and make the effort to show your appreciation and caring through some tender cuddling and soft words or by sharing some food and conversation. You’ll benefit too from staying in love’s sweet afterglow.

Finally, it shouldn’t have to be said but it still does, always, always practice safe sex. Use condoms and dental dams until you are certain you’re in a completely monogamous relationship and you’ve both had AIDS tests. Remember good first time sex with someone means no one gets hurt, during loving or afterwards.

Published in Urban Male Magazine (UMM), Fall 1999